Monday, September 26, 2011

Sitting In Class

I take an abnormal psychology class. it's interesting and we all get along really well. but today's topic is mood disorders and suicide. and with the way ive been feeling lately, i almost feel like i shouldnt be here. this is really hard for me to handle. ive tried to kill myself before, failing miserable obviously. im a self mutilator, and we already know im bipolar.

im in such a state of depression. i havent eaten much in the last 5 days. probably like, max? 500 calories a day. with everyone pushing and pulling me in different directions, i feel like what goes into my body is the only thing i can control right now. and its funny, because when you look at me, im not a thin girl. i'm not like my skinny, gorgeous friends. im not even doing this to lose weight, its more like, to just have control over something, because if i cut, my friends know. they ALWAYS know. even if i cover up the fresh cuts, they become scars and scars show up on my pale skin way more than they would on someone with tan skin. ohmygod i cant believe im spilling this. last time i did this, i got myself in a shit ton of trouble. but, i was 15. so there's that.

it takes every ounce of energy i have to get out of bed. i mean, every ounce. i have to dig down into my energy reservoir to find some, and its beginning to deplete.

oh. fun. i just got bitched out for not being thankful that i have a house to live in. forgive me for not being thankful that i live with an abusive alcoholic father and a mother who is so absentminded she just...doesnt get it. i am well aware there are people with far worse situations than i have. i have friends like that. i could tell you a story about my friend lindsay, but now is not the time.

sorry. i feel like shit today.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

You should get to know me today

In my post today, i decided you should get to know me a little.

I'm 21. I live in the grand ole state of Georgia. I'm a college student with absolutely no direction in her life and no major. I have 6 tattoos. my nose is pierced...uhhh...

there will be some key players in this blog. they are the key players in the musical of my life. there are others who im sure will get mentioned, but these are the main ones who will probably come up more than others::

Nicholas (Nick):: My gay best friend. This is my baby boy. he's 17. a senior at a performing arts high school, and i don't know what i'd do without. our relationship is kind of crazy. it used to be more involved, but now it's a lot more lax. he has a lot going on this year as do i, but i know we'll always be there for each other. i just don't want him to go off to college

Ari:: My "sister." not by blood, but by years of friendship. since 8th grade. and if this bitch has put up with my crap this long, then im pretty sure she's stickin around. don't get me wrong, we've had our massive blowups with not talking for months at a time, but we've matured enough to be able to talk things out now when stuff upsets us about the other. she's engaged. we used to party a LOT back in high school. now we just do it legally. ha.

Melissa:: ohhh Melissa. this girl is crazy. while Ari would be my drinking buddy, Melissa is my smoking buddy. she's 19. i met her in group therapy a couple years ago, found out she lives 5 minutes away from me and we've been hanging out all the time recently. she's turned me into a total stoner. im okay with this (i'll explain in another post why). she's a total free spirit and i love her for it. she's dealt with some shit, but come out the other side pretty normal.

William (Wil):: William and i have a complicated relationship. he was nick's boyfriend for over a year. they broke up, he went to college in north carolina, and he and i basically stopped talking. but, he and i have repaired our friendship and we're working on things one day at a time. he's going through some rough shit right now, which i am unable to discuss on here, but i am trying to be there as much as i can.

Stephanie:: Steph is like a little sister to me. she's 19, quickly approaching the big 20. she is a lot like me in so many ways it's crazy. i met her my junior year in colorguard when she was a freshman. she was talented. plus she's got the BEST freaking laugh you'll ever hear. we're venting buddies. plus, she doesn't know anyone in my life, so she's completely unbiased and can give the best advice on how to deal with certain situations and its wonderful. and she's usually up as late as i am for late night gossip =)

Polina:: My evie to my tracy. she got me interested in blogging. i actually thought she was so dumb when i met her and i couldnt stand her. and now...i couldnt stand not having her in my life. i dont know what id do without her. she understands what it's like to be inside my brain and i love her for it. she has had an incredible journey. she's one of the strongest people i've ever met. she's also one of the most intriguingly beautiful people ive ever seen.

i think those are the main people right now. im sure ill mention more as time goes on.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Which One Will I Be Today?

So today, for the first time in like...days, i've been in a pretty good mood. granted, ive only been awake a few hours and the day is still pretty young, but it hasn't been too bad so far. this is my problem. my day can go from good to bad and vice versa in an instant. what i find so interesting is that people tell you to live in the moment, so when i do, i let things affect me that exact moment, right then, right there.

I feel like im on a fucking emotional roller coaster every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year. I just never know what's going to set me off. is it going to be a comment from my dad? something my mom does? a friend ditching me or not answering my texts//calls leading me to my constant feelings of abandonment? It could be anything. it's frustrating. and i feel like the meds don't help anymore.

what the hell is a girl to do?