Monday, September 26, 2011

Sitting In Class

I take an abnormal psychology class. it's interesting and we all get along really well. but today's topic is mood disorders and suicide. and with the way ive been feeling lately, i almost feel like i shouldnt be here. this is really hard for me to handle. ive tried to kill myself before, failing miserable obviously. im a self mutilator, and we already know im bipolar.

im in such a state of depression. i havent eaten much in the last 5 days. probably like, max? 500 calories a day. with everyone pushing and pulling me in different directions, i feel like what goes into my body is the only thing i can control right now. and its funny, because when you look at me, im not a thin girl. i'm not like my skinny, gorgeous friends. im not even doing this to lose weight, its more like, to just have control over something, because if i cut, my friends know. they ALWAYS know. even if i cover up the fresh cuts, they become scars and scars show up on my pale skin way more than they would on someone with tan skin. ohmygod i cant believe im spilling this. last time i did this, i got myself in a shit ton of trouble. but, i was 15. so there's that.

it takes every ounce of energy i have to get out of bed. i mean, every ounce. i have to dig down into my energy reservoir to find some, and its beginning to deplete.

oh. fun. i just got bitched out for not being thankful that i have a house to live in. forgive me for not being thankful that i live with an abusive alcoholic father and a mother who is so absentminded she just...doesnt get it. i am well aware there are people with far worse situations than i have. i have friends like that. i could tell you a story about my friend lindsay, but now is not the time.

sorry. i feel like shit today.

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